Hey guys, hope you all are surviving and thriving in spite of the trying times and the scourge of Covid stalking us outside our homes. This is the perfect time to re-connect with our intimate partners and re-kindle the flames of desire, the hotness of great sex and the cool ecstasy that the feeling of belonging and bonding brings.
Why is a great sex life essential to our well-being?
Humans are sexual beings. Our bodies are designed to seek connection with our partners, and successful sexual activities are rewarded by our brains with a flood of chemicals that enhance our sense of well-being, warmth, sense of safety, security and belongingness. Being wanted and desired by our partner makes us feel loved, validated, desired and desirable, raises our self-esteem and builds confidence.
Sex is fun, improves circulation, burns calories, reduces depression and stress, enhances mood, helps us sleep better. We crave the attention, affection, warmth and companionship of our partners.
The better the sex, the more contented and happier we are.
What is SEX?
In the words of Dr. John Gottman, the famous Sex therapist, Sex is anything positive that happens between a couple in an intimate relationship. Sex includes, but is not limited to intercourse, and is an intrinsic part of our daily routines, whether or not it ends in an orgasm or climax.
For the purposes of this blog we will be talking of recreational sex, and mostly about people in committed relationships.
Let’s jump in
#1 Align your sexual vision with who you are
Early adulthood (18-25) is the time when men and women tend to settle into and work out their sexuality, and cement their beliefs about sex with their youthful stamina and jumping hormones. Carrying this vision forward as you age, creates a disconnect between who you are and your sexual needs. If your vision is 10-40 years outdated, God help you, or maybe you can correct it yourself.
- Roaring Twenties – At this age you can do no wrong. Explore and enjoy
- Flirty Thirties – You are beginning to settle down in a sexual rhythm and getting to appreciate the emotional part of sex – bonding with your partner assumes more importance
- Flagging Forties – Majorly time to adapt and change. Instant wetness and rock-hard erections do not happen on demand. Sex requires ‘inspiration’ leading to anxiety
- Resurgent Fifties – Bid goodbye to hot sex, discover new horizons of cool sex
- Valuable Sixties and beyond – Sex never ends, Long live sex!
#2 Stop thinking with your genitals
The entire human body is sexual, not just the genitals. Women in particular have a large no. of erogenous zones (beyond the obvious breasts, nipples, buttocks and the vulva) which can be and must be used to advantage. Back of the neck, earlobes, lower back, inner thighs and toes are some of these, which can be used to build sexual desire. Men have few erogenous zones like the earlobes and the back of the neck outside the genital area.
#3 Harness the power of touch
Touch plays a very important role in arousal and great sex is incomplete without the right kind of intimate touch. Palms of the hand, back of the hand and the fingertips can all be used to convey and exchange sexual energy with your partner.
(download the free eBook ‘Power of touch’ here).
The fingertips can be used for soft sensual touching all over your partner’s body. This activates the C-Tactile fibres found around the hair follicles on the skin. In fact the fingertips can also be used on your own skin for arousal prior to sex or masturbation.
Non-sexual touch is very important, and helps to build connection and bonding. A brief touch on the neck, shoulder or hand, a light embrace, a sweet nothing whispered in each other’s ear or even a loving glance while passing each other creates a vibrant environment for great sex.
#4 Sex begins outside the bedroom
The brain is the main sex organ and must be prepared for sex. For men, sex is visual and visceral – sexy images or simply the thought of having sex is enough to arouse a man; in stark contrast, sex is psychological for the woman and she does not want to engage in the act of sex, until it appears to her to be a part of the larger picture of love, bonding and emotional connect. To have great sex in the bedroom, the woman’s mind must be prepared, ready for sex, relaxed. In other words, to get turned ON, a woman needs to switch everything else OFF.
Start the process during the day. Call / text / email your partner in a naughty way – gauge their mind before building up your own expectations. For great sex, both partners should know well in advance that sex is on the cards that day / night.
#5 Talk to your partner
How well do you know your partner? Their favourite colour, dress, food, where and who they like to hang out with, their hobbies, buddies and friends? But do you know what kind of sex they like, where do they want to be touched, at what angle or pressure and in what sequence? What are their sexual fantasies, and what was it they liked most, the last time you had sex with each other?
Talk to your partner, communicate openly. They are not telepathic, and unless you tell them they cannot know. Communication is key to great sex.
#6 Be aware of her menstrual cycle
Women’s bodies are subject to fluctuating hormonal levels and these are ideal for great sex during the second week of their cycle, from the 11th to the 15th Day leading up to ovulation.
Her sex drive, desire, and arousal are in high gear and her responses to sex will be most intense during this time. Her body is full of the sex hormones and she is especially sensitive to touch – best time for great sex.
#7 Use the home ‘Gym’ aka Kegels
Kegels is a simple exercise that can be done anywhere, while lying in bed or even while sitting on a chair in the office, without anyone knowing. Just tighten and relax the pelvic floor muscles (the same muscles you would use if you wanted to delay peeing). Kegels improve blood flow to the genitals, relax the vagina, and make orgasm easier. After childbirth, kegels help to tone and strengthen the vaginal muscles. Men who do kegels report better erections and more intense orgasms. Kegels can be done any time of day or night, and music is a good companion. Building biceps is not of much use – exercise these muscles for great sex
#8 The Pleasure Principle
When we see sex as the means to an end (climax), we miss the actual sex. If we are focused on achieving the climax, our mind is already in the future and we miss what is happening to our mind and body in the present moment. Great sex is not found at the destination, it is to be enjoyed along the way. In fact, great sex has no destination; the pleasure experienced during sex is its own purpose – orgasm or climax may or may not happen on this journey. Enjoy the sensual experience and forget about orgasm; it will happen on its own.
When one focuses on the genitals and climax as a goal, then the duration of sex is shortened and what we reach is a regular genital orgasm. However, if we use the complete sensual power of the whole body, reveling in the pleasurable sensations that are happening during the journey, we achieve full body orgasm which in itself is more desirable. Combined with the heightened pleasure we generated and the intense full body orgasm makes for great sex.
#9 Simultaneous Orgasms are rare
That simultaneous orgasms should happen ‘normally’ and ‘naturally’ is a myth that has ruined many sex-lives and relationships. It happens rarely, if ever, as an exception. Men are likely to come sooner, in fact much before the woman. This leads a very large percentage of women to fake their orgasm or lie to their partner so as not to hurt his feelings. It would be almost comical, if it were not so tragic. Recognizing the myth is the first step in having meaningful and great sex with your partner. One way would be for men to arouse their women partners to a great degree before attempting intercourse. The best and foolproof method is to follow the ‘8-Fold Path To Sexual Nirvana’. Click here to know more.
#10 The brain craves novelty
The human brain craves novelty and the reward centres of the brain light up with dopamine the pleasure / reward chemical, whenever you do something new. The ‘new’ could simply be a new place to have sex, a new way to have sex, or a new sex position to try. The dining table, the kitchen counter, the bathroom, a concealed garden area are all up for grabs. Buy a book that shows you the various sex positions, read erotic literature together and spend quality time trying out the new.